Monday, December 20, 2010

The Twelve Cringes of Christmas

The Twelve Cringes of Christmas

1.The inflatable Santa-on-a-motorcycle eyesore that sits on the lawn across the street from me that I have an intense urge to pop.

2. Pine needles stuck in between your toes.

3. Unknowingly entering Toys ‘R Us on the “Buy 1 video game, Get 1 free” promotion day and feeling like you’re running with the bulls at Pamplona.

4. The male and female adult customers in the electronics section at Toys ‘R Us (most wearing NFL football jerseys as casual apparel) who know an inordinate amount of information about video games.

5. Extricating yourself from Toys ‘R Us to head over to another horrid location called Gamestop, to be assisted by a clerk there who is likely a serial killer.

6. The stomachache associated with eating too much raw cookie dough.

7. Twangy country remakes of classic Christmas songs.

8. Cutting the wrapping paper too short. Again.

9. Last minute add-on gift requests from kids when they’re sitting on Santa’s lap. (Yeah, Santa, I really want the Wii and think it’s coming because I’ve been great this year.)

10. Wondering if the UPS man thinks you have a shopping addiction.

11. Newsy notes in cards that include mention of children being on the honor roll. It’s the holiday version of the troubling bumper sticker.

12. The jewelry chain store commercials for their signature piece called something like “Everlasting Love Journey.” My favorite spot this year is from Kay Jewelers featuring a man and woman in a frightful snow and lighting storm ala romantic mountain chalet with bearskin rug. A lightning bolt claps. As the woman shudders from the window she has been gazing out of (looking like she is some sort of brainwashed victim), the man encircles her in his arms, murmuring, “Don’t worry, I’m here….and I always will be,” then, he immediately pops open the jewelry box to reveal the pendant that will adorn two million necks in 2011.

Happy Holidays to all. Please add your own holiday cringes in the comments section! I know there are a lot more out there!

Wishing you happiness and good health in the new year.